A Proper Introduction

Let's gather our bearings, shall we? Take a deep breath. In through the nose, out through the mouth. Let's make this painless as possible. I need you to close your eyes, run your fingers over your scalp and forget the world you came from.

Right, that's finished. Onward and upwards, shall we?

I believe a proper introduction might just be in order. Time to get everything started, right? You'll be wanting an introduction. Let me tell you a story. Let me show you something: Me. 

Welcome, how'da you do and all that. This would be the obsessions corner tucked away inside my brain. I do hope you'll find your hobbit hole quite comfortable--but I wouldn't sit there if I were you. That'd be Dracula's casket and he does get touchy if woken up in the sunlight. It's an undead thing.

Yes, so keep a sharp lookout, I trust you'll find a few characters you'll recognize here.

There's one of the classics, Darling Mr. Dorian Gray doting over the mirror again, oh, and here's the Canterville ghost moaning again--another undead thing. Standing up on that poppy covered hill would be Leglolas, scouting the area for orcs again--or just taking a closer look at some curious little tea party between a marsh hare, a sleeping mouse and a little man in a hat far too large for him.

But look over there! There's someone from the real world, just like you. It's that frumpy little man with his hand firmly wedged inside his jacket. You could probably practice your French with him, though I hear he has a terrible accent.

Come a little farther towards the river. Here's our fire dancer, Dustfinger, shirtless as usual--he's not allowed to wear one in here. This river opens up to a sea--and look! A ship with black sails manned by the mutinous Barbossa--there's the real captain over yonder in that little dingy.

Come up a ways away from the water--that's it, mind your step. We see a village, a pleasant little place, but let's look closer. See that posh little place on the south west corner? That would be the grand Jekyll estate, but you'll have better luck meeting the REAL Dr. Jekyll if you take a little walk down to the grungy little house in Soho. Up in the other corner you'll find the second nicest building--or at least what used to be the second nicest, you'll observe the gaping burned hole in the side--Hollywood Towers it says. The sign's a bit dirty now, no one's cleaned it in almost seventy years. You can still go in though, but I would suggest taking the stairs over the service elevators.

There's a better little motel just off to the side. There--no, over there. It's a bit smaller but the top floors are comfortable enough. Just stay away from the first story, it's dominated by a mysterious man covered in bandages and carting around a trunk full of strange bottles. Stay off the orchids as well, they look pretty enough but the tendrils can get a little testy.

Let's turn back around and go up this way, that's it, watch your step. Careful not to trample any homunculi, they like to nest in those sticks. Up over this way we'll come up upon another city--slightly more worse for wear than our steampunk/sci-fi city I'm afraid. These occupants are even less conscientious than the others. You'll notice the several burned down buildings and defaced signs along the way. You'll note several underground laboratories and ill fated experiments being done here along with several anarchy cries and takeover plots. This is the city of villains.

Look here, you'll see the golden horned Loki talking with the famous Dr. Octopus and if you squint--like this, see?--you might just be able to spot the tip of the Lizard's tail disappearing into the sewers. Don't worry, he should be up and out of there pretty soon because here comes Scarecrow with his nasty potion to dribble into the waterworks again. That might put a bit of a hiccup in whatever plans Red Skull has with his army of hydro-nazis marching down the street.

Oh, but hurry, look up! That'd be the Millennium Falcon streaking away into the sky. Don't be fooled by appearances, she's really the fastest ship on this side of the star system. Yes, you'll note the distinctive double suns in the sky and all the little ewoks running around and getting underfoot, mind you, don't upset them. They can be quite fierce, little devils.

Come up this way over this ridge--mind your footing, it can get a little steep. Up and over...there you go. We'll see a few possibly familiar faces. Look there, it's the Scarlet Pimpernel galloping at full speed away from the French officers! On the other side, there's Sherlock Holmes and more importantly his adorable lapdog, Watson. You'll see up on that hill a small cottage belonging to the old weaver, Silas Marner and up aways from him is a big, smoking building, the destroyed Thornridge Estate of Mr. Edward Rochester--in fact this whole area is modeled with Victorian design and--what's that? Mysterious red ferns? That's odd, they usually break out closer to the Sci-fi city we just left. I almost forgot about th--Look out! Duck! My, that was close. I forgot to mention the small matter of the martian invasion. Don't pay them too much mind, they still haven't been vaccinated and no doubt they'll soon be out of our hair. Let's get back on the road.

Oops! Look out again! Evil queen crossing, let's get up out of her way. Yes, there's the queen in her black carriage and following closely behind you'll see a shrinking, skinny little man with shining skin and bad teeth. That's Rumpelstiltskin and--what? Scottish? Well of course, hasn't he always been? Anyway, we'll let them cross. It's best not to trifle with these two.

Up the road a little ways we'll come across a vast jungle, it's inhabited by the remnants of the mysterious D.H.A.R.M.A initiative and a few dozen unlucky plane crash victims. Let's skirt around this particular area, believe me, we'll be dead before we understand all of these secrets. Oh! But I forgot! Ben must have cameras up around this area. Hurry! Let's get out of here before they throw us to the smoke monster. Yikes, are you alright? That was a nasty fall. I think you're going to be bruised, but hey, at least your nose isn't bleeding. Good, I think we lost them, let's get out of here before a polar bear gets us.

Here we go, this is a nice change of scenery, isn't it? Poppy fields all around, and a massive manor in the middle of it all. This is the Alacran Estate, but let's not linger. They might set the eejits on us. You go on and choose our route this time. Forgive me, I've been a bit controlling of this our little adventure thus far, haven't I?

Oh dear...are you sure you really want to go this way? Alright, I guess over the hill it is. Here's another grand estate, a bit more high tech than the last. Can you see over that turret from here? There's Artemis himself, playing with his brothers on the grounds of Fowl manor--no, that's F.O.W.L., like the bird. Don't be deceived by appearances though. Artemis has enough concealed firepower to blow us right out through my frontal cortex. Keep an eye out for heat mirages too. They're probably LEP agents in disguise. The recon jocks are always hanging somewhere around here. Commander Kelp trusts Artemis about as far as he can throw him, and standing at three feet tall, that isn't much.

Let's make our way back around this way, and look! A magician's tower with the windows wide open, lucky us. Back up a step and peer up into the room. See the summoning circle? Look right in the center and you'll see the demon itself. It's the famous Bartimaeus of Uruk forced back into the physical world by one of the magicians of London...this won't end well for the poor human, I can tell you that right now.

What's that? Tired are you? Well, that's alright, we'll get the eagles to fly us back to the Shire--funny thing, that seems to be the only place they fly anyone: back to the Shire.

All in all, I hope you've found our little adventure quite enlightening.This is what I have to offer, myself and all the different parts of me. I'll do my best to keep you entertained, peak your curiosity, arouse your interest. This here is my dumping ground, where I'll pour myself out so I don't overflow. To be honest, I'm content to rant and rave to an empty room, but I'd always enjoy an audience. Stay, if you like what you see. I'll always be here.